Forbidden Parkway III: Road Rage
Lyrics copyright © 2004 by Jim Zielinski. All rights reserved.
Reprinted with permission.
Originally performed by Jim Zielinski and the Still Not Ready for Prime Rib Players (Teri Nelson, Delle Lloyd, and Tee Quillin)
Wings Contender •
Free to Be You and Me •
Pageant •
Always, Patsy Cline
Eleemosynary •
Of Mice and Men •
A Mill Village Christmas
Lost in Yonkers •
The Lion in Winter •
Jesus Christ Superstar and Ragtime
Sung to the tune of "Big Spender" from Sweet Charity
| TEE: | The minute you walked in the joint — |
| DELLE: | I could see you were the per-fect di-rec-tor ... a real fine actress — |
| TERI: | Good singer, dancer, too. |
| JIM: | Bet there's no-one here does costumes bet-ter than YOU. |
| ALL: | So let me get right to the point: Just because you're best, it does not mean you'll wiiiiiiin — WINGS CON-TEN-DER! You'll.....be empty-handed again! |
| SPOKEN: | |
| JIM: | Welcome, welcome to the 2003-2004 WINGS Awards Celebration! It's a year of dysfunction! |
| DELLE: | The dysfunctional Grandma from Yonkers! |
| TEE: | The dysfunctional women of Eleemosynary. |
| TERI: | The dysfunctional kingdom of The Lion in Winter. |
| JIM: | And Vivienne, not to be outdone, brought us Ragtime, the story of an entirely dysfunctional country! |
| DELLE: | Before we get started, a little information. If you're having trouble finding yourself on the ballots, here's a clue: |
| JIM: | If you're a supporting character, you're probably listed under the leads; |
| TERI: | If you're a lead character, you just might be in supporting; |
| TEE: | If you were spectacular, you might not be listed at all; |
| DELLE: | If you didn't do anything, you might be on the ballot, anyway; |
| JIM: | AND if you're a dog, |
| ALL: | The sky's the limit! |
| JIM: | As to how the judging goes, each participating organization and The Arts Council is responsible for selecting a minimum of two objective judges. And sometimes they do! |
| DELLE: | So that's a grand total of SIXTEEN judges, who are tasked to go to see and rate e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g! |
| TEE: | However, the only show the judges all attended this year was The Laramie Project! |
| TERI: | Which is NOT a finalist! |
| TEE: | So NOW you know how the system WORKS! |
| JIM: | And if you read some of the judges' notes, you'll understand why they have to remain "anonymous"... |
| ALL: | FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES....! |
| DELLE: | So now that you're totally confused, let's irritate you as well, with these lyrical slams of the top ten finalists! |
| TERI: | Let's take it down for Free to Be You and Me. |
Sung to the tune of "I Wanna Be Loved by You" from Good Boy
| JIM: | Tell me, Have you picked up your toys? Are you hands clean, and have you... Been a good girl or boy? Tell me, What makes a troupe de-ploy... This type of prop-a-gan-da, with joy... They know it...an-noys... It's "Free to Be You and Me," Not "Zoom," not "E-Lec-Tric Com-Pa-ny." Yes "Free to Be You" and HOW! Right NOW! Yabba-Dabba-Doo! It tells us all WHAT to do, Just like...a "Big Brother" Kang-a-roo! No grammar, like "Schoolhouse Rock," Thank god! Nickelode-o-doh... It's not "Ses-a-me Street," now! Though that would be neat — WOW! But the Muppets have beat IT, aaaand HOW — For "A-ve-nue Q" — Meow, Yes! Meow, Yes! Meow, Mister Rogers, Meow! It's Free to Be You and Me, Adults, re-trea-ting to in-fan-cy... They say it's okay to cry... Well, GOOD, 'cause we are gon-na SEE cry-iing to-NIGHT! Chaaaa! |
| TEE: | Now for a peek at the girly-men of Pageant! |
Sung to the tune of "I Enjoy Being a Girl" from Flower Drum Song
| TERI: | Oh, a FE-male is something grand to BE! It's a priv'lege that should not be abus-ed... Though on stage, we can very plainly see... That the genders are often times confus-ed... |
| DELLE: | Sometimes colts like to dress up like filly Who knows why? We can see through their disguise. For their names might be Joe or John or Billy, But they're "MARY" when the curtain starts to rise! |
| TERI: | When boys throw a GAU-dy wig – on, in the style of a MIL-ton Berle, I believe the conCLU-sion's – fore-gone, They enjoy being a girl! |
| DELLE: | Though "PA-geant" is CUTE – and – FUN-ny and the guys say it's JUST a whirl; I'll STILL bet you E-ven – MO-ney: They enjoy being a girl! |
| TERI: | So HOW do you judge the best trans-vest-tite? They're sweet, but you couldn't call them svelte, |
| DELLE: | Like Scouts, they go "camping" — but with HIGH-LIGHTS... and names like Miss Texas, and Miss Bi-ble BELT! |
| BOTH: | Though, strictly, they're SHE-male – HE-males, For each FEMME is a HIM, you see... With their bras off, they STILL will BE males... Whoooo decry Being a guy (HARMONY) To win the crown...for...LEEEEE! |
| DELLE: | (Country accent) Folks, set a spell and enjoy "Always Patsy Cline." |
Sung to the tune of "On the Street Where You Live" from My Fair Lady
| TEE: | People tell me that... I have lost my mind For I have no life, except to worship Patsy Cline How I laud her name; How I crave her fame... Why did she GO, and leave ME behind? So I follow her... Nothing wrong with that. She's like Elvis, But she's female, and she isn't fat... Plus, she did not spy... For the F.B.I... Not my dear "girl next door," Patsy Cline! And ohhhhhh, To "Walk after midnight" "Anytime" I'm un-der her spell... To know That I'll "Fall to Pieces" While I am dancing to her Best Hits from K-Tel.... Take Shania Twain... Keep the Dixie Chicks... Call me "Crazy," But those living singers make me sick. This is love, divine... I am not resigned... I will stay...Always YOURS — PATSY CLINE! |
| JIM: | And now, a brief word from Eleemosynary. |
Sung to the tune of "I Could Have Danced All Night" from My Fair Lady
| TERI: | Head! Head! They're messing with my head! I can not make these plot de-vi-ces gel... Deep! Deep! Perhaps too deep for me. All they ever do is fight and SPELL... I was amused all right, and yet confused that night, At "El-e-e-mo-syn'ry"... For Enzie's RANT was wild, Don't ever HAVE a child," That's hard-ly mo-ther-lyyyy.... Then Karen's GRAN-ny was a BIT ec-cen-tric... She tried to MAKE her daught-ter FLYYYY...?! But then – when – Emmmmm-i-ly.... Spelled "Eleemosyn'ry" The point was lost... Now, so am I!!!!! |
| DELLE: | Hug your puppies and bunnies and enjoy Of Mice and Men. |
Sung to the tune of "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend" from Gentlemen Prefer Blondes
| BOTH: | John Steinbeck wrote "Of Mice and Men" As every teacher taught us, But you won't learn much from George and Len... While suff'ring ri-gor mortis! |
| TEE: | A touch on the arm can be Quite det-ri-men-tal, Cause LENNY is a girl's LAST friend... |
| JIM: | A hug can be grand, if — the Hug-ger's not mental For it's much too close, And leaves you feelin' co-ma-tose... |
| TEE: | He will cry As life ebbs by... And he's sorry it all had to end... |
| JIM: | So but-ton your blouses, And stick to your spouses! |
| BOTH: | LENNY is a girl's LAST friend... |
| TEE: | (I don't mean Curly!) or (And also puppies!) |
| BOTH: | LENNY is a girl's LAST friend... |
| JIM: | (Oh, shoot him, Georgie!) (HARMONY!) |
| BOTH: | LENNY — IS A — GIRL'S — LAST — FRIEND! |
| TERI: | You'll have to GUESS which one this is... |
Sung to the tune of "We Need a Little Christmas" from Mame
| TEE: | Haul out the corn stalks; Hang up the cot-ton balls, they're Good as MIS-tle-toe! |
| TERI: | Let's stuff the scare-crow — |
| TERI & JIM: | He'll make a mer – ry – San – ta Fit for Po-ver-ty Row! |
| ALL: | It's...a...Mill Village Christmas Set in Ala-bama! We'll make lots of money Banking on nostalgia! Yes, a Mill Village Christmas... |
| DELLE: | (Don't you mention "union!") |
| TEE: | Where all the folks are treated like equals, |
| JIM: | And Bob has promised us ten more sequels... |
| DELLE: | No more Child la-bor |
| DELLE & TERI: | We'll call the kids who work here — "San-ta's LIT-tle elves"... |
| JIM: | What Yule-tide flavor... |
| JIM & TEE: | As soon as they are six, they Get to fend for them-selves! |
| (Slower...) | |
| ALL: | Oh...the...snow is cotton lint, here... On our matching houses... And no-thing here is stir-ring... Cause we ate the mouses! |
| (PICK UP SPEED) | |
| And we need those "little extras"... Right this ve-ry mi-nute! | |
| (HARMONY!) | |
| Can we have in-door plumb-ing NOW......!?!? | |
| JIM: | And now, let's check out the philosophy of Grandma Kurnitz in Lost in Yonkers! |
Sung to the tune of "We Need a Little Christmas" from Mame
| DELLE: | (This is Grandma, with her German accent) Re-member you're in — MY home! Don't make me for-GET — That you are fa-mi-ly! It's true that I'm old — But strong. Al-So, I'm Right, and you're always wrong! Now, wipe off your dir-TY feet — And don't let me CATCH You in the can-dy jar... Be glad that I let you eat! So HOW DO You like your Grand-MA, so far? I know you're cute and get to say a lot of fun-ny things... That's the way Neil Si-Mon writes. But if you think that you are going To steal this show from me — Then I'll kick you out — to-niiiight! Consider yourself, well off — And stop acting LIKE a SCHMUCK! Cause when you're "Lost in Yonkers," You are lost FOR GOOD! Consider yourself....Out of LUUUUUUUUUCK! |
| TEE: | Trip back to not-so-Merrye-Olde-England with The Lion in Winter. |
Sung to the tune of "I Wonder What the King is Doing Tonight" from Camelot
| JIM: | I know what the peasants are thinking tonight, As kingdoms and lives rend asunder. Ev'ryone smiling at wit (...and at spite), Then cringing from storm and from thunder. Whenever the heads roll their way, You can hear them say, through their dismay: I wonder WHO the king is doing tonight? Which warrior is the queen pursuing tonight? Which one will Geoff betray? Which round do they now fight? Is Richard straight or gay? Is John quite al-right? How GOES their Christmas dinner, when no Lion can be winner, and the only thing they carve is A-qui-taine? Well, I'll tell you what it's like in Chinon tonight! In-Sane! In-Sane! You mean that a King who built this palace, wed Eleanor, yet sleeps with Alais, Can't make his mind up whom he loves or hates? GRRRREAT! And Eleanor, Queen of charm and beauty, Feels that it is her mother's duty, To teach her boys the rules of fra-tri-cide? Don't be SNIIIIIDE! You wonder just how they'll manage it (The French and the clan Plan-ta-ge-net) — Without sending one another straight to hell... WELL! You wonder what this band is thinking tonight? They'd rather be someplace ELSE and DRINKING tonight! Though push has come to shove; though lies are in each breath... They'll surely learn to LOVE Each other TO DEATH! And ALL through the land grabbing, And the sur-plus of back-stabbing Only ONE can get the country, girl, and crown! Well! I'll tell you what this gang is feeling tonight: They're DOWN! Don't Fear! There's still! NEXT YEAR! And that's what this mob is plot-ting... TO-NIGHT! |
| ALL: | BIG FINISH! |
Sung to the tune of "I've Got Rhythm" from Call Me Madam and Girl Crazy
| JIM: | "Superstar" was sun-ny — Yet made you cry! We knew our limit's the sky... |
| DELLE: | "Ragtime" was smashing — Folks loved each song We knew we couldn't go wrong... |
| TERI: | "Jay CEE" blew the crowd away... Olden Days were HOT! |
| TEE: | "Rag" is my favorite play... Look at what it's got... |
| DELLE: | We've got white folks We've got black folks We've got Jewish! Who could ask for anything more? |
| JIM: | We've got JC And Apostles... That's MORE Jewish! Who could ask for anything more? |
| DELLE: | Coalhouse Walker! J.P. Morgan! |
| JIM: | Old Saint Peter! And he took us straight to heaven... |
| DELLE: | We've got bombing — It's a-lahming! |
| JIM: | We've got lepers... Who could ask for anything more? |
| TEE: | We've got Delle Lloyd! |
| TERI: | We've got Bill Lloyd! |
| JIM: | Throw in Pam Lloyd! |
| DELLE: | Who could ask for anything more?! We've got Jessica Alexander. |
| JIM: | (So do we!) |
| DELLE: | We've got Brad Howard. |
| JIM: | (So do we!) |
| DELLE: | We've got Jeff Stricklin. |
| JIM: | (So do we!) |
| (Pulls out "Ragtime" program and reads...) | |
| DELLE: | We've got Vivienne Atkins, and the students from her last 48 years as a teacher, including Barry Petty, who obviously never graduated, and her good friend Debbie Fleischman, who is a goddess of theatah! |
| (Pulls out "JCS" program and reads...) | |
| JIM: | We've got 48 Lighthalls, 38 Broads, their hangers-on, their next-of-kin, and they all live at TLS and get us good discounts, and furthermore, there's Janet Bentley, who is a goddess to the goddesses of theatah! |
| (They all think for a minute) | |
| ALL: | We've got ME! WHO COULD ASK FOR AN-Y-THING MORE!!!!!!!! |