Forbidden Parkway — The Extension
Lyrics copyright © 2003 by Jim Zielinski. All rights reserved.
Reprinted with permission.
Originally performed by Jim Zielinski and the Not Ready for Prime Rib Players (Patrick Johnson and Jason Lockhart)
The World Goes 'Round •
Driving Miss Daisy •
The Boys Next Door
Kiss Me, Kate •
Fame! •
Roméo et Juliette •
Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
Land of the Dragon •
The Woman in Black •
The Civil War
Sung to the tune of All That Jazz
| PAT: | Come along, and hang on every word — "The World Goes Round." It's full of "Cabaret", plus songs you've never heard — "The World Goes Round". |
| ZEE: | Truth to tell, the show is really hot — I'd pay another twelve, if they threw in a plot. There's fun and dance galore, plus Plugs for "Civil War!" "The World Goes Round"! |
| JASON: | Darrin sings the "Spider Woman's" part — In "World Goes Round". That doesnt' make much sense, I guess we'll call it "art". "The World Goes Round". |
| ZEE: | Pass the wine — I'm gonna go insane, If I hear one more Bozo singing, "Cellophane". There's even more to see, But I crave "Sarah Lee"! "The World Goes Round..." |
| PAT: | Ohhhhh, they're doing "Coffee in a Cardboard Cup". (The World Goes Round) Marianne and Jennifer can heat it up! (The World Goes Round) |
| JASON: | IIIIIII see Kristen Tumminello And, that guy that likes to bellow Shelli rocks, Clay's in a box, "The World Goes Round..." (Brief musical break) |
| ALL: | Cut — the nonchalance — It's IMP AT RENAISSANCE!!!! THE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOORLD... GOOOOOOOOOOOOOES... ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUND! (SPOKEN) GOES ROUND! |
Sung to the tune of Man of La Mancha
| ZEE: | Hear me now, I'm a chauffeur — A glorified gopher. I awake every day, full of dread. How I hate each directive, And each new invective... She screams at the back of my heeeeeaaad! It is I, Hokey Coburn, I'm Driving Miss Daisy And SHE'S Driving Me UP the Waaaaaaaall...! I am STUB-born, she's shrewish I'm black and she's Jewish. The STOR-y, I've just told it all... We'll never get very far. We spend our lives in the car. And her son, who's named "Boolie", treats me like a stoolie... I have to play nursemaid and snitch... But each minute, and mile it's This damned back-seat pilot — Deliver me, please from this b...witch! As we cruise through Atlanta, I long for Mylanta — Imagine the stress and the grief! And if she calls me lazy, I swear I'll go crazy, And then drive my fist through her teeth. Onward together we'll roam... Cause I'm driving her to the HOME! |
Sung to the tune of Pilate's Dream
| PAT: | I dreamed I met a group of fellows, A funny gang of four... They sat there, Eating doughnuts by the score. They were "The Boys Next Door." I asked if they'd seen a hamster, My Wheaties, or my clubs? I asked again, And Norman said, "You 'sup.'" Then Arnold ...stole my rugs... Then Barry screamed, "Come here," I'm going to teach you golf!" I thought, "These guys are off." They sat upon some flowers... Sang "ABC's" for hours... Then I said, "Nyet, I'm not Russian." Well, "No popcorn for me!" Then Lucien merely said, "We got no trees," While Sheila took my keys. |
Sung to the tune of On the Street Where You Live
| JASON: | I have often sat Here in Riser Four I have often seen the Bard, But not like THIS before. Though there's much ado, Guessing who's the Shrew... I'll just sit, back and watch, "Kiss Me Kate"... It was "Too Darn Hot!" It was "Wunderbar!" Then the gangsters danced, And I thought, Well, "Comme-ci comme-ca." Dev's a gambler's ho... 'Lexis "Can't Say No" — Well, as soap op'ras go, This is great! And ohhhhhhh, that towering feeling, To hear Miiiiiiiike...and Christie McClear... A quite empowering feeling, To see her slap his face, And watch him spank her rear! People stop and stare, They don't bother me, They're just jealous, 'Cause I ushered...and I got in free... Shakespeare set to song, Howwwwwwww can we go wrong? And it ends With true love... "KISS ME KATE!" |
Sung to the tune of Mame
| ALL: | Pubescence made the headlines today...FAME! A bit risqué for H—CCA...FAME! |
| JASON: | There was a guy name "Scheinkopf", but no one took the bait, so that was fine... |
| ZEE: | I guess the worst transgression — you stole the op'ning scene from "Chorus Line!" |
| PAT: | You say "you'll ive forever", you MIGHT... |
| ALL: | FAME! |
| PAT: | Or Mable may just eat you to-NIGHT! |
| ALL: | FAME! |
| ZEE: | You took the pain and tor-ment of "Teenage Angst", and made it seem a game. |
| PAT: | Devondré loved to strut for you, |
| JASON: | Old Lindsay shook that butt for you, |
| ZEE: | Gabe Jaime was a slut for you, (All on their knees, if we can do it.) |
| ALL: | FAME! FAME! (Haromony) FAAAAAAAAAAME! |
Sung to the tune of Hernando's Hideaway
| PAT: | I know a tragic love duet... It's "Roméo et Juliette." Just like — "West Side" — you'll be upset Because — their folks they — don't obey — OY VEY! Ro-meo loves Juliette — A Mon-ta-gue wants Capulet — And some-one's gon-na die, I'll bet. An op'ra always ends that way — OY VEY! |
| ZEE: | In the streets of Pa-du-a, or any place you go... You'll run into Tybalt, fighting with Mercutio! Now they're dead, they wouldn't listen to Benvolio! But if they had — That would be bad — There'd be no show! So.... |
| PAT: | Soon — the two — are marry-ing. But plot — twists screw — up every-thing. They kill — themselves — but first they sing! It seems — They've both had — quite a day! OY VEY! What light — through yon — der window breaks? They had — to know — a big mistake! A-noth-er farce — by Willy Shakes! In French! What-ev-er — did they say? OY VEY! |
Sung to the tune of Can't Help Lovin' That Man
| ZEE: | Oh listen, Ma'tha No need to act annoyed, it's not like he exists... I know your Fatha's The reason he's employed... You've made your bed, so... Just pretend you enjoy it... Oh, shut up Georgie, Be glad you got a wife, although it seems that she's... A one-woman orgy, But that's the game of "Life." So kiss and make-UP... Once you put down that knife... Martha gets frisky — Expletives fly — Georgie pours whiskey — Noooo-Body's dry — "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" Nick starts to scream — And Honey, she cries — Everyone retches ... Some nobody dies... "WE'RE Afraid of Virginia Woolf!" It's a charming story... ...If you're Edward Goree. Stick around, Enjoy the second Course... It's called, "Divorce." "I've no compunctions!" Albee retorts... "Family dysfunction's — my favorite sport!" "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" |
Sung to the tune of Brush Up Your Shakespeare
| Z&P: | The kids today really need to see... More than Rogers or Sesame. Don't let them sit there and waste the day. Take those video games away. |
| ZEE: | Then drag them down to the VBC For something wholesome by Fantasy! |
| PAT: | Skip E-be-neezer and Magic Beans, Pervs like Wonka, and weird Oompa things. |
| BOTH: | Cause the show that tops them all... And will keep their eyes from saggin'... Is much Greater than the Wall — To wit, it's "Land of the Dragon." |
| BOTH: | Brush up their Chinese, Start quoting from Mao. Brush up their Chinese, Give up hot dogs for Kung Pao. |
| ZEE: | Spend an ho-ur with young Princess Jade Pure... It's like three weeks in Kuala Lampur! |
| PAT: | If they watch and learn who "Covet Spring" is, Soon they're asking you who "Deng Xiaoping" is. |
| BOTH: | With a look at the intrigue of Asia, You can change their malaise to Malaysia! Land of the Dragon! Teach them all to bow! (Spoken aside) Ding How! Teach them alllllll toooooo bowwwwwwwww! |
Sung to the tune of Tomorrow
| JASON: | "The Woman in Black" (pause) ...Is Scarey. Though it's in Olde England, It ain't Merrye... On that Coast! Was I horri-fied? Yes, very! Not just by the accents, But I'm wary... Of that GHOST...!?!?!?!? When he stood by the grave, And saw Her face there, My pulse quickened and soon, I had — to scream: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!" It's set in Eel Marsh, Nightmarish, He could leave right now, Get in that carriage... Yet he STAYS...!?!? The marrow, the marrow, I'm chilled to The marrow! Will I see the light of day?!?! I'm harrowed, yes harrowed! Escape seems quite narrow! Oh, please EX-OR-CIIIIISE... THIIIIIIIISSS PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!! |
Sung to the tune of Comedy Tonight
| ALL: | Something divisive, Something derisive, Something to wear us down, a "Civil War" tonight! |
| ZEE: | Revels are cranky — |
| PAT: | So are the Yankees — |
| ALL: | Costumes are made of wool We're smothering tonight! |
| JASON: | Sing of the South! |
| ZEE: | Sing of the Feds! |
| JASON: | Sing while you're dying, |
| PAT: | Sing when you're dead... |
| ALL: | People attack us! And it's just practice. Look, I can see the morning light! We can sleep tomorrow — "Civil War!" Let's fight! (During the following, they do the "LES MIS MARCH MOVE," double time.) |
| PAT: | Cannons are firing! People expiring! When can we have some fun? It's "Civil War" tonight! Everyone's yelling |
| JASON: | Slaves are rebelling Hand me another gun, Cause Vivienne's in sight! (Viv slams the piano keys; we react.) |
| ZEE: | No MEDEVAC; |
| JASON: | No men on horse; and |
| PAT: | Not such a happy ending, of course! |
| ZEE: | Each lousy march is Hell on our arches Thank god, the show turned out all right! |
| ALL: | Armistice tomorrow! (Harmony with Pat, Zee, Jason in order) CIVIL WAR,
CIVIL WAR, CIVIL WAR — TONIGHT!!!! |