Forbidden Parkway
Lyrics copyright © 2002 by Jim Zielinski. All rights reserved.
Reprinted with permission.
Originally performed by Jim Zielinski, Delle Lloyd, Patrick Johnson, and Teri Nelson
Christmas Carol •
Coyote on a Fence •
Emperor's New Clothes
Something's Afoot •
Mame •
Steel Magnolias •
Nutcracker Suite
West Side Story •
The Tempest •
Terra Nova
Sung to the tune of Food, Glorious Food
| ALL: | Is it worth the waiting for? Through December Twenty-Four No-thing else but "Christ-mas Ca-rol!" Santa knows that we've been good ... Knows we've done the things we should ... Why are we still oo-ver this bar-rel? What's wrong with Grinches, or Rudolph, or Elves, |
| DELLE: | Can we just build a Snowman next year? |
| ALL: | The answer's complete, when they tally receipts, And they grin really sweet, ear-to-ear ... for ... Scrooge, glorious Scrooge — |
| PAT: | So old, it ain't funny! |
| ALL: | But no subterfuge |
| TERI: | He's making THE MONEY. |
| ALL: | We all can thank Vi-vi-enne, Let's give her three cheers ... (bored) RAH! 'Cause it'll be playing in Six-ty years!!!! Scrooge, glorious Scrooge, |
| ZEE: | Thames, Griswold, or Rankin ... |
| ALL: | Whyfor this deluge? Thousands that they're Bankin'! With nine-ty kids in the cast, Profits can be HUGE! — For SCROOGE, |
| VALUABLE | |
| ALL: | SCROOGE! |
| TERI: | MONEY-MAD |
| ALL: | SCROOGE! |
| DELLE: | CASH THE CHECKS — |
| ALL: | SCROOGE! |
| ZEE: | IN THE BLACK — |
| ALL: | SCROOGE! |
| ALL: | ADD A SHOW — SCROOGE! (ritard; then take a beat) LU — CRA — TIIIIIVE SCROOOOOOOOOOOOOGE! |
Sung to the tune of Beauty and the Beast
| ZEE: | Tail as old as time True as it can be Barely even friends Then somebody bends Unexpectedly ... Just a little change Both a little tense Both a little scared Neither one prepared "Coyote on a Fence" Nowhere else to go ... Take a chance with Balch ... Lovers on Death Row Just don't play the "ho'" ... Kim Brown's keeping watch ... So they shaved his hair ... ... It beats solitaire! Try an older man, Could be hotter than The electric chair ... Hard time can be fun ... Hedden don't be dense, You've a guy in jail ... Pray he won't get bail ... "Coyote on a Fence." They're still doing time ... Love, their only crime ... "Coyote on a Fence." |
Sung to the tune of Put on Your Sunday Clothes
| ALL: | Strip off your Sunday best, Then start to prance about ... Dressed up in naught at all, except your hair ... Pour on a little Sunscreen and some Off!™, no doubt! You'll get a hand In this distant land, Wherein every man looks like — CHER! Pull off your pan-ta-loons, You're gonna stride through town ... With nothing on from head down to your toes! Then go to bed, For your pride is dead, And your face as red as a rose ... 'Cause you just caught cold — 'Cause you just caught cold — 'Cause you just caught cold in Emperor's New Clothes! |
Sung to the tune of You'll Never Walk Alone
| TERI: | When you walk through the door, Hold your head up high, And it will be bashed, scalped, or gored ... As the show proceeds, you are sure to die; Better learn — to emote — from the floor ... The best way to put It, is "Something's A-foot" Means you get to sing and sprawl ... So smile, pretty please, As you sink to your knees ... And they draaaag you dooooown the haaaaall ..... At least — there's — cur — tain call! |
Sung to the tune of The Rain in Spain
| HIG/Z: | Now Eliza, for the last time, these are simple questions! |
| PICK/PJ: | Why didn't Mike Robinson get a big solo? |
| MRS. P/T: | Why does no one really give a damn what happens to Patrick Dennis? |
| HIG/Z: | Why is Vera Charles the closest thing to a leading male role? You are going to answer if it takes all night! (They all "sleep.") |
| ELIZA/D: | The play ... called "Mame" ... is mainly ... about ....... DAMES! |
| HIG/Z: | Again ... ? |
| ELIZA/D: | The play called "Mame" is mainly about dames! |
| PICK/PJ: | I think she's got it! |
| HIG/Z: | I think she saw it! |
| ELIZA/D: | (SINGS) The play called "Mame" is mainly about dames! |
| PICK/PJ: | By George, she's got it! |
| HIG/Z: | By George, she's got it! Now in Act One, what is the game? |
| ELIZA/D: | We see MAME! TONS of MAME! |
| HIG/Z: | Now in Act Two, is it the same? |
| ELIZA/D: | (Shrugs on "Agnes") Agnes GOOCH! Then more MAME! |
| ALL: | The play called "Mame" is mainly about dames. The play called "Mame" is mainly about dames! |
| PICK/PJ: | There's Burnside, Babcock, and Ito ... |
| ELIZA/D: | Foils and props and straight men! (Musical cue) |
| ELIZA/D: | How kind — of Mame — to let — them — speak. |
| HIG/Z: | Now once again, what is the game? |
| ELIZA/D: | We see MAME! MAME, MAME, MAAAAAAAAME! |
| HIG/Z: | And could this play bring one fame? |
| ELIZA/D: | ... If your NAME ... IS "MAME!" |
| ALL: | The play called "Mame" is mainly about dames. The play called "Mame" is mainly about dames! OLÉ! |
Sung to the tune of Maria
| PAT: | The most gossipy play I've ever seen ... Magnolias ... |
| ZEE: | (Echoes) Magnolias, Magnolias ... (Pat wonders where voice is from) |
| PAT: | Magnolias! Though they're dishing the dirt, yet their hair stays clean ... Magnolias ... |
| DELLE: | (Girl Echoes) Magnolias, Magnolias ... |
| PAT: | (Confused, he clears his throat) Magnolias ... |
| ZEE: | (Echoes) Magnolias, Magnolias ... |
| PAT: | MAGNOLIAS! Have you seen the girls of Magnolias? That cloud of Clairol™ spray Should linger for a day, or twooooo ... Magnolias, they've all got their hair up in rollers! Oh, god, look at the hell, The average Southern Belle goes through! Magnolias! There's distress, everyone's complaining PMS is a way of explaining ... Magnolias .. that "Chick Play", long reigning ... Magnolias! |
| ZEE: | ... The most bitching and crying and laughing and hugging and smart-assed opinions and weird shades of pink and references to bleeding armadillo cakes in one play that I've e-ver seen ... |
| PAT: | MAAAAG-NOOOO-LIAAAAS...!!!! |
Sung to the tune of Matchmaker
| T&D: | Drosselmeir, Drosselmeir, give me a toy ... Something to own, like my own boy ... Drosselmeir, make him at least twenty-one ... I'll give him back when I'm done ... |
| TERI: | Nutcracker, Nutcracker, dance me a dance, |
| DELLE: | Fight me a rat, |
| TERI: | Rip those tight pants ... |
| DELLE: | Nutcracker, Nutcracker, you're such a prince ... |
| BOTH: | Oh please god, don't let him mince! |
| TERI: | Toy sol-diers have started advancing ... |
| DELLE: | My uncle, he flies like a bee ... |
| TERI: | The flowers have just started prancing ... |
| BOTH: | I really should lay off the L-S-Deeee ... !!!! |
| BOTH: | Mousie King, Mousie King, smells like fromage, |
| DELLE: | I must escape, |
| TERI: | Where can I lodge? |
| BOTH: | Fairies and Flakes here ... Could this be "La Cage"? So .... bring on the ludes ... Shackle my feet ... Don't let me loose ... Out on the streeeeeet .... Keep me in Nut-Crack-er Suiiiiiiiiiiite!!!! |
Sung to the tune of My Favorite Things
| PAT: | Arab and Action and Chino and Velma, Krupke and Shrank and that tramp, Graziella, Lots of boys posing with pubescent pride .... Hormones run rampant around the West Side ... |
| ZEE: | Baby John, 'Nita, Big Deal, Anybody's, Running around like they're little John Gotti's ... Is it because it's in slums they reside ... ? Juvies go mad on the streets of West Side |
| TERI: | Tony stabs 'Nardo, cause 'Nardo stabbed Riffy, Looks like a state of détente's pretty iffy ... Haven't these children heard, "just let it slide"? There's not much brotherly love on West Side ... |
| DELLE: | Gang rapes and cussing and punching and fighting Looks like a day in New York's most exciting! Boys screaming "dago" and "Polack" and "spic" — Look out; Ken Turvey is hurling a brick! |
| ALL: | When the Sharks bite, When the Jets sting Tony gets no bride! But Doc gets to slap him, And then he is shot ... Another day on West S-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-de ... !!!! |
Sung to the tune of Hello, Dolly!
| DELLE: | Hello, "Tempest", well hello, "Tempest" — You're the 18th Shakespeare show we've seen of late ... Give us a break, "Temptest", For god's sake, "Tempest" — First was "Shakespeare on the Mountain", Next is "Kiss Me, Kate". |
| TERI: | We know you're swell, Willy — But what the hell, Willy — Now there's "Romeo and Julie" we must see — |
| PAT: | It's been fun, Willy — But you are over done, Willy, Willy, your words are Greek to me! Please to pro-vide a glossary! Stop that forsooth and thou and thee, merci! |
| ZEE: | We need some down-time ... from Stratford-on-Avon ... It seems the right thing to do ... But now it appears everyone has a Bard-on And Calhoun's gonna do "The Taming of the Shrew". (Chorus "oohs" in the background.) |
| ALL: | Oh, god! The SHREEEEEEEEW! |
| TERI: | GoodBYE, Willie! Don't you cry, Willie! |
| ZEE: | You're the only one who's gonna — shed a tear! |
| PAT: | And you can BET, Willie It's a THREAT, Willie! |
| DELLE: | Cause next time we see FALSTAFF, It had BEST be beer! |
| ALL: | Spare — us — your — capes, bonnets, Crowns and swords, sonnets, Or we'll sock you in the buskin — wait and see! |
| GIRLS: | Keep your tights, Willie! |
| GUYS: | Remember that we are white, Willie! Get yourself to a NUN-NERY! |
| GIRLS: | Parting is just plain "SWEET" you see! |
| ALL: | No more "TO BE OR NOT TO BE" — FOR M-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E !!!!!!!! |
Sung to the tune of Oklahoma!
| ZEE: | Terra Nova, where the snow comes sweeping down the plain ... And where every scene's A Hubscher dream, It's no wonder PJ went insane! Terra Nova, every sun-burnt face in furry togs, Would have reached their goal — The damned South Pole, If they only stopped to eat their dogs! You know they all want to go home But the theme is, "There's no place like NOME!" The pain's acute — |
| ALL: | YOW! |
| ZEE: | John's toes stay in his boot — |
| ALL: | WOW! |
| ZEE: | We gotta tell them, "You're gonna die in Terra Nova ... Just like SOMEthing's a FOOT!" |
| ALL BUT ZEE: | (Terra Nova, Terra Nova, Terra Nova, Terra Nova — continues ...) |
| ZEE: | So cold we can see Kevin's breath — Meanwhile, Phil does his best Swedish Chef ... And when we say — |
| ALL: | OW! |
| ZEE: | What else fell off today? — WOW! We're only saying ... |
| ALL: | FROST really BITES, Terra Nova, Though you may not de-cay, Oy Vey, Just crawl away! T E R - R A N-O-O-O-O-O V A! AARGH! (They drop to the floor, dead) |